Archive for July, 2012

When I was a freshman in high school, my sister brought the guy she was dating at college home for Christmas. I don’t remember a lot about him, not even his name… I recall that he had blonde hair and a beard and a great smile, that he was some kind of scientist, and that he seemed completely devoted to my sister. And that the next summer he went to Alaska (or somewhere) to study… something… and in the three months he was gone, my sister had moved on to someone else.

I remember being so frustrated with her. I liked science guy; he didn’t talk down to me or treat me like a kid, and he was obviously crazy about her. And it wasn’t like he’d just up and left her… He’d gone away for a specified period of time to do some work, with every intention of coming home to build a life together. Why couldn’t she wait a few months? At fifteen, I just didn’t understand.

The guy I’m seeing now lives several hours away, in Nevada. I thought I was fine with the distance, kept telling my friends how it was a good thing because it allowed me plenty of time to live my own life… and then I went to stay with him for a few days. We made love every night, fell asleep side by side, woke up together each morning… We even shared a bathroom. And when I came home, everything had changed for me. Suddenly I’m SO not OK with this distance. It took me almost two years to get used to sleeping alone. The other side of the bed had finally stopped feeling empty… and now it feels empty all over again. I was finally getting comfortable with being single, and then I had a boyfriend for five days… and now he’s somewhere else and I’m alone again and IT’S NOT OK.

I think I understand a little bit now how my sister felt back then, when her college boyfriend left for the summer. My guy is planning to move back here at the end of the year. He’s talking about coming to visit in September and that’s only two months away. But that’s all just words, just promises… and how can I trust anything a man promises me, when my soul mate promised me he would never leave me less than a week before he took his own life? Maybe I’ve got some abandonment issues now, like my sister had back then. It’s easy to believe a man loves you when he’s lavishing attention on you, treating you like a goddess. But when he’s hundreds of miles away and you’ve got limited contact, it’s easy to doubt… And it’s so tempting to take refuge in the arms of someone who’s right here right now, making you feel wanted.


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